South Florida Squirrel

For all who appreciate the outdoors, the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.

Tard with a Tie

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

Mr. President.

Sobriety Test

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

“Oh, no,” the driver said. “I can’t do that. If I do that, I’ll have an asthma attack and die.”

“OK,” said the officer, “let’s go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die.”

“Fine then. Let’s go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a hemophiliac and I’ll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.

“All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that.”

Redneck Bubblebath

How does a redneck take a bubblebath?

With water, bubblebath liquid and a Jeff Foxworthy CD.

College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

One student raised his hand and asked, “How much for a season pass?”

Dr. Feelgood

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

He continued, “Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...”

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.


2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.


10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.


12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!”

Good Dog / Bad Dog

Divorced and Drunk

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

“Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’ ”

The Judge

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”

From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a...” the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, “If you don’t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!”

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”

The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”

The Lord said, “They are rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“You shall not kill.”

“Not kill? We’re not interested.”

So God went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor your Father and Mother.”

“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.”

Then God went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said,

“Thou shall not steal.”

“Not steal? We’re not interested.”

So God went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “You shall not commit adultery.”

“Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.”

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.

“Commandments?” they said, “How much are they?”

“They’re free.”

“We’ll take 10.”

There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

Wild Irish Ho’s

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad—as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”

Got Bath?

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons of milk. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath”.

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs.”

Unnecessary Stress

Well Worth the Expense

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its State-of-the-Art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve-thirty.”

Another Weekend at the Home

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing.

Willy replies, “I’m going to Chicago for the weekend.”

The orderly chuckles and enters another patient’s room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.

When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, “I’m screwing Willy’s old lady while he’s away in Chicago.”

An Elderly Lady Phoned Her Telephone Company

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.


4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.


5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

An APB on God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “Where is God?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

Hanging with Rednecks

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says “Just Say No To Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis.”
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”

Three Little Pigs

Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I’d have the president of the Bank of America's balls in my hand.”

Guide to Men’s Tools

• Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.



• Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “$#&!#@”



• Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.



• Pliers: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.



• Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



• Vise Grip Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



• Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.



• Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2” socket you’ve been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.



• Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



• Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.



• Tweezers: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.



• Telephone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.



• Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog execta from your boots.



• E-Z Out Bolt And Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



• Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.



• Craftsman 1/2 X 16-Inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.



• Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.



• Trouble Light: The homebuilder’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



• Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.



• Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.



• Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



• Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.



• Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.



• Mechanic’s Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

Desert Island Rescue

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”

Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: “Oh thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”

Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

“Where you flyin’ to?” says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

“Don’t you know you should never end a sentence with a preposition?” The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

“Where you flyin’ to, bitch?”

Famous People Say the Darndest Things

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do. — Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ — Patricia Arquette

And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan’. — George Burns

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. — Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. — Sharon Stone

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading. — Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee—the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. — Dan Rather (News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem? — Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. — Tiger Woods

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. — Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. — Rev. Jesse Jackson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. — Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. — Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. — Roseanne

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts? — Hugh Grant

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? — Dustin Hoffman

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. — Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Right of Way

Q: Who has the right of way any time?

A: The car with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”

IM SEXY

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say “It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, “Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, “Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says, “Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, “How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, “If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

The Bottom Line

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, “Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt?”

The cowboy says, “It’s ‘cause I got chapped lips.”

The bartender asks, “Does manure help them heal?”

Cowboy replies, “No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

Redneck Drivers

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.

89% of the people in 49 states said: “Oh, shit!”

In Texas 94% said: “Hold my beer. Watch this.”

Birdbrain

Saying that “America must take a preemptive approach to the War on Bird Flu,” President Bush launched a nuclear attack on Turkey today. He said the Canary Islands are next.

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. “I know,” he said, “we can play, ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’”.

“How do you play that?” asked the redneck.

“It’s easy” said the Spanish boy, “we can play it next recess.”

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. “Alright,” said the Spanish boy, “Lets play.”

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy’s. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

“You win for sure,” they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, “So did you make any new friends today?”

“Yup. I played this game called ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I’m a redneck.”

His mother laughed and replied, “No sweetie, you won because you’re 23.”

Employment Statistics

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse


• 7 have been arrested for fraud


• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks


• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses


• 3 have done time for assault


• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit


• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges


• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting


• 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits


• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year


• Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

The Pacifier Patch

Kid's Ball Game

"Closing time!" the playground supervisor called out. "Let’s go, kids! Time to go home for dinner."

"All right!" one kid cried. "We win!"

"What do you mean, you win?" a kid from the opposing team said. "The score's nothing-nothing!"

"Yeah," the first kid said, "but we scored the first nothing."

The Farmer’s Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck...”. And the farmer shot him.

Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"

Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

Who Runs the Human Body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Nutty Hunters

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. “I thought I told you to be quiet!” he said.

“Well, I was when the snake bit me,” said Steve. “And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, ‘Should we eat them or take them with us,’ I screamed.”

Third Opinion

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, “I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Sanders says, “I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

Refrigerator Magnets

An Angry Motorist

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he’s purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. “Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months.”

“Sorry,” the garage owner apologized, “I didn’t think your car would last any longer than that.”

Skinny-Dipping

When I was young we used to go skinny-dipping. Now I just “chunky dunk”.

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

Oh, No, No, we have carport and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I am always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”.

Bush, Einstein and Picasso

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.

Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don’t know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

My Dearest Redneck Son

My Dearest Redneck Son;

I’m writing this real slow, because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Marlin family that lived there took the house numbers when they moved so they would have to change their address.

The place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send. Your Uncle Billy bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked the keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him tow hours to bet me and your Pa out.

You sister had a baby this morning. But I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. It’s the dangest thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and Buford were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite Aunt,

Mom

News Flash

Research causes cancer in rats.

Redneck Name Tag

You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”

Aggie Ghost Story

A visiting professor at Texas A&M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Survivor for Alabamans

With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit “Survivor”, Alabamans have made their own version.

Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, “I’m gay, I’m a Yankee, and I’m here to steal your guns!”

First one back wins

Air Force One

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."

Blonde in a Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

If Ever You’re Choking

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right, that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”

Moon Talking

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

It's Not Worth It

Okie Jokie

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

A: Carry-Oakies

The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Senile... Like a Fox!

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”.

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I’ve told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow”.

Night Watch

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eye opened. Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.

All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.

We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.

Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

KFC: Our Daily Chicken

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.

Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

My Candidate For President In 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

Please give it a thought when you have a moment.

Maxine for President

Maxine on Driver Safety

I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Maxine on Housework

I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.

Maxine on Lawn Care

The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.

Maxine on Technology Revolution

My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.

Maxine on Aging

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive – highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness – but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you? So don't forget, November 2008:

Vote For Maxine
For President!

Defendant In A Lawsuit

A defendant in a lawsuit involving a large sum of money spoke to his lawyer. “If I loose the case, I’ll be ruined,” he said.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” the lawyer said.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no,” the lawyer responded. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court; in fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Days later, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the man left the courthouse with his lawyer, he said, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you had sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“You did?”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand.” The lawyer said.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but I enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Government Inspection

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

Are These Plates Clean?

Jim went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather. The next morning, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs and bacon. Jim noticed a filmy substance on his plate and asked, "Are these plates clean?" his grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, Jim noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and what appeared to be dried egg yolk. He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" without looking up from his hamburger, his grandfather answered, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Don't ask me about it no more!"

Later that afternoon, Jim left to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. Jim yelled, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game on TV, his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

Lost Handbag

A woman lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. An honest boy found it and returned it to her. Looking in her purse, the woman commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag, I had a $20 bill in it. Now I see 20 one dollar bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

Save These Bits

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink; his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they’re just fine - they’re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

Broken Mower

A couple's mower was broken and wouldn't run.

The wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snip­ping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short lime and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he returned, he handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again but will always limp.

Valentine’s Day

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine’s Day cards for her son and father. One store's 50-foot display had hundreds of cards. She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands." The clerk behind the counter answered, "Oh, yes, ma'am, we do, but they're in sporting goods."

"Really?" the woman asked.

"Yes, ma'am. They're called darts."

Bible Story

A father reading a Bible story to his your children, said, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

A Guy From Wichita Falls

A guy from Wichita Falls dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Wichitan is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Wichitan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Wichita Falls . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Wichitan's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind.

Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees the Wichitan is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Wichitan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Wichita Falls It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Wichitan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet.

Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Wichitan unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again aghast at what he sees. The Wichitan is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!? " screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the Wichitan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Cowboys won the SUPERBOWL!!!!

Chicken Little

A teacher read the story of “Chicken Little” to her first-grade class. She came to the part where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. “And so,” she read, “Chicken Little went to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”

The teacher paused, and then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

A little girl raised her hand and answered, “I think he said, ‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!’”

Mr. Trainer

Favorite Sugar Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed when he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his bony fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged .toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

His aged and withered hand shakingly made its way toward a cookie at the edge of the table, when suddenly it was smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," his wife said. "They’re for the funeral!"

The Prodigal Son

A Sunday school class was being quizzed on the story of the prodigal son. The teacher asked one child, "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned home?"

The boy gave it some thought, and then answered, "The fatted calf."

Old Age

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

Awards

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny

You Might Be A Redneck

You might be a redneck if you like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk!

Revenue Sharing

Gotta love it when the government talks about "revenue sharing." it sounds so dignified, so important. Isn't that what a mugger does?

Fabric Softener

What Day Is This?

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered, as if offended. Then he left for the office.

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to return home. "First flowers, then chocolates and a dress!" she exclaimed. "I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog day in my life!"

Banking by a Senior

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Statute which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the cl to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Looking For A Deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer -- who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to apply for the job.

"Ok," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is one and one?"

"Eleven," comer replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "that's not what I meant, but he's right." so he asked, "what two days of the week start with the letter “T?"

"Today and tomorrow," Gomer replied.

The sheriff was again surprised that comer supplied a correct answer he had never considered.

"Now, comer, listen carefully: who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought hard for a minute before finally admitting, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Comer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job, and I’m already working on a murder case!"

Defense Lawyer's Good News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Dubya Quotes

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. George W. Bush

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and childs. Governor George W. Bush

Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Governor George W. Bush

Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change. Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. Governor George W. Bush

The future will be better tomorrow. Governor George W. Bush

We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. Governor George W. Bush

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. Governor George W. Bush

Public speaking is very easy. Governor George W. Bush to reporters

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. Governor George W. Bush

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. Governor George W. Bush

When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. George W. Bush

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority. Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make. Governor George W. Bush

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. Governor George W. Bush

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. Governor George W. Bush

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. Governor George W. Bush

Only Smart People Can Read This

0lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the Itteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and Isat Itteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey Iteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awiyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

HMO doctor

Bush's Morning Run

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democrats"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

A Pregnant Woman

An obviously pregnant woman and her husband sat in the obstetrician’s waiting room. The wife looked at a lamp and commented on how lovely it was. Her husband gave here an anguished look and wailed, “Don’t tell me you’ve started to crave furniture!”

DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Idle Thoughts Of A Mind Wandering:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once—or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height—which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it me—or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Dessert Personality Test

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry, you can only pick one!) Trust me...this is very fun.

Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you. After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

Also, send it to the person who sent it to you.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake

2. Brownies

3. Lemon Meringue Pie

4. Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

5. Strawberry Short Cake

6. Chocolate and more Chocolate

7. Ice Cream

8. Carrot Cake



No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be...

OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what research says about you...

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE --Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.

6. CHOCOLATE AND MORE CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to give and help others. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Afraid to take chances sometimes. Will not settle for anything average in life. Loves to laugh and be happy

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

Teacher Arrested

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

ICU

Call Me A Racist

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.

But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.

You have Martin Luther King Day.

You have Black History Month.

You have Cesar Chavez Day.

You have Yom Hashoah

You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi

You have the NAACP.

You have BET.

If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.

If we had white history month, we'd be racists.

If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.

But, you call me a racist.

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.

"The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do.

The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Ten Commandments In A Courthouse

The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse? You can't post "thou shalt not steal," "thou shalt not commit adultery" and "thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Actual 911 call

Dispatcher: "nine-one-one. What is your emergency?" caller: "I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner."

Dispatcher: "Do you have an address?"

Caller: "No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks. Why?"