Now That's Cold!

Graveside Burial Service

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to conduct a graveside burial service for a man who had no family or friends. The preacher left early for the cemetery but quickly got lost, having made several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. Nearby, a few workmen were eating lunch. The diligent your pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read a passage. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased in style to the great beyond.

As he returned o his car, the preacher overheard on of the workmen say “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

Liar Sermon

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

Silly Signs

• In a vegetarian restaurant: “All we are saying is give peas a chance”.
  
  
• In a dog biscuit company: “Caution! We bake for animals”.


• In a casino: “We care where the chips fall”.


• At a restaurant: “Eat now, pay waiter.”


• At a matchmaking company: “We want to light your fire.”


• At a pickle company: “Welcome dilly beloved.”

College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a sociology degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about Nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

A Path To Your Door

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.