Fabric Softener

What Day Is This?

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered, as if offended. Then he left for the office.

At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to return home. "First flowers, then chocolates and a dress!" she exclaimed. "I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog day in my life!"

Banking by a Senior

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Statute which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the cl to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Looking For A Deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer -- who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to apply for the job.

"Ok," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is one and one?"

"Eleven," comer replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "that's not what I meant, but he's right." so he asked, "what two days of the week start with the letter “T?"

"Today and tomorrow," Gomer replied.

The sheriff was again surprised that comer supplied a correct answer he had never considered.

"Now, comer, listen carefully: who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought hard for a minute before finally admitting, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Comer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job, and I’m already working on a murder case!"

Defense Lawyer's Good News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Dubya Quotes

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. George W. Bush

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and childs. Governor George W. Bush

Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Governor George W. Bush

Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change. Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. Governor George W. Bush

The future will be better tomorrow. Governor George W. Bush

We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. Governor George W. Bush

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. Governor George W. Bush

Public speaking is very easy. Governor George W. Bush to reporters

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. Governor George W. Bush

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. Governor George W. Bush

When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. George W. Bush

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority. Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make. Governor George W. Bush

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. Governor George W. Bush

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. Governor George W. Bush

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. Governor George W. Bush

Only Smart People Can Read This

0lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the Itteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and Isat Itteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey Iteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awiyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!