My Candidate For President In 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

Please give it a thought when you have a moment.

Maxine for President

Maxine on Driver Safety

I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Maxine on Housework

I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.

Maxine on Lawn Care

The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.

Maxine on Technology Revolution

My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.

Maxine on Aging

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive – highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness – but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you? So don't forget, November 2008:

Vote For Maxine
For President!

Defendant In A Lawsuit

A defendant in a lawsuit involving a large sum of money spoke to his lawyer. “If I loose the case, I’ll be ruined,” he said.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” the lawyer said.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no,” the lawyer responded. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court; in fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Days later, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the man left the courthouse with his lawyer, he said, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you had sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“You did?”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand.” The lawyer said.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but I enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Government Inspection

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

Are These Plates Clean?

Jim went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather. The next morning, his grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs and bacon. Jim noticed a filmy substance on his plate and asked, "Are these plates clean?" his grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, Jim noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and what appeared to be dried egg yolk. He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" without looking up from his hamburger, his grandfather answered, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Don't ask me about it no more!"

Later that afternoon, Jim left to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. Jim yelled, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game on TV, his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, go lie down!"

Lost Handbag

A woman lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. An honest boy found it and returned it to her. Looking in her purse, the woman commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag, I had a $20 bill in it. Now I see 20 one dollar bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”