The Pacifier Patch

Kid's Ball Game

"Closing time!" the playground supervisor called out. "Let’s go, kids! Time to go home for dinner."

"All right!" one kid cried. "We win!"

"What do you mean, you win?" a kid from the opposing team said. "The score's nothing-nothing!"

"Yeah," the first kid said, "but we scored the first nothing."

The Farmer’s Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck...”. And the farmer shot him.

Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"

Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

Who Runs the Human Body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Nutty Hunters

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. “I thought I told you to be quiet!” he said.

“Well, I was when the snake bit me,” said Steve. “And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, ‘Should we eat them or take them with us,’ I screamed.”

Third Opinion

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, “I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Sanders says, “I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”