IM SEXY

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say “It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, “Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, “Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says, “Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, “How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, “If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

The Bottom Line

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, “Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt?”

The cowboy says, “It’s ‘cause I got chapped lips.”

The bartender asks, “Does manure help them heal?”

Cowboy replies, “No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

Redneck Drivers

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.

89% of the people in 49 states said: “Oh, shit!”

In Texas 94% said: “Hold my beer. Watch this.”

Birdbrain

Saying that “America must take a preemptive approach to the War on Bird Flu,” President Bush launched a nuclear attack on Turkey today. He said the Canary Islands are next.

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. “I know,” he said, “we can play, ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’”.

“How do you play that?” asked the redneck.

“It’s easy” said the Spanish boy, “we can play it next recess.”

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. “Alright,” said the Spanish boy, “Lets play.”

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy’s. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

“You win for sure,” they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, “So did you make any new friends today?”

“Yup. I played this game called ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I’m a redneck.”

His mother laughed and replied, “No sweetie, you won because you’re 23.”

Employment Statistics

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse


• 7 have been arrested for fraud


• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks


• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses


• 3 have done time for assault


• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit


• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges


• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting


• 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits


• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year


• Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.