Three Little Pigs

Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I’d have the president of the Bank of America's balls in my hand.”

Guide to Men’s Tools

• Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.



• Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “$#&!#@”



• Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.



• Pliers: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.



• Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



• Vise Grip Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



• Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.



• Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2” socket you’ve been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.



• Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



• Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.



• Tweezers: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.



• Telephone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.



• Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog execta from your boots.



• E-Z Out Bolt And Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



• Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.



• Craftsman 1/2 X 16-Inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.



• Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.



• Trouble Light: The homebuilder’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



• Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.



• Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.



• Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



• Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.



• Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.



• Mechanic’s Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

Desert Island Rescue

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”

Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: “Oh thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”

Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

“Where you flyin’ to?” says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

“Don’t you know you should never end a sentence with a preposition?” The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

“Where you flyin’ to, bitch?”

Famous People Say the Darndest Things

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do. — Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ — Patricia Arquette

And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan’. — George Burns

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. — Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. — Sharon Stone

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading. — Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee—the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. — Dan Rather (News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem? — Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. — Tiger Woods

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. — Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. — Rev. Jesse Jackson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. — Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. — Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. — Roseanne

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts? — Hugh Grant

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? — Dustin Hoffman

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. — Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Right of Way

Q: Who has the right of way any time?

A: The car with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”