Unnecessary Stress

Well Worth the Expense

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its State-of-the-Art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve-thirty.”

Another Weekend at the Home

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing.

Willy replies, “I’m going to Chicago for the weekend.”

The orderly chuckles and enters another patient’s room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.

When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, “I’m screwing Willy’s old lady while he’s away in Chicago.”

An Elderly Lady Phoned Her Telephone Company

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.


4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.


5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

An APB on God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “Where is God?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

Hanging with Rednecks

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says “Just Say No To Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your pants!

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis.”
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”