Good Dog / Bad Dog
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Divorced and Drunk
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
“Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
“Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Just What the Doctor Ordered
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’ ”
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’ ”
The Judge
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”
From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”
“Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”
“You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.
“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”
“You cheap son of a...” the man starts to shout.
The Judge thunders back, “If you don’t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”
“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!”
From out in the audience a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”
“Silence in the court!” the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”
“You goddamned tightwad!” blurted the spectator.
“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”
“You cheap son of a...” the man starts to shout.
The Judge thunders back, “If you don’t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”
“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!”
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
How Moses Got the 10 Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”
The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”
The Lord said, “They are rules for living.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“You shall not kill.”
“Not kill? We’re not interested.”
So God went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor your Father and Mother.”
“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.”
Then God went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said,
“Thou shall not steal.”
“Not steal? We’re not interested.”
So God went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “You shall not commit adultery.”
“Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.”
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.
“Commandments?” they said, “How much are they?”
“They’re free.”
“We’ll take 10.”
There, that ought to offend just about everybody!
The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”
The Lord said, “They are rules for living.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“You shall not kill.”
“Not kill? We’re not interested.”
So God went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor your Father and Mother.”
“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.”
Then God went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said,
“Thou shall not steal.”
“Not steal? We’re not interested.”
So God went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “You shall not commit adultery.”
“Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.”
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.
“Commandments?” they said, “How much are they?”
“They’re free.”
“We’ll take 10.”
There, that ought to offend just about everybody!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Wild Irish Ho’s
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Dad—as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”
“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Dad—as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”
“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Got Bath?
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons of milk. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath”.
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs.”
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons of milk. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath”.
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs.”
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